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09/06/2003 Archived Entry: "SLEEEEPY"

MSN is annoying. It keeps logging me off MSN messenger. I need to get a cable modem I swear to god.

I'm going to get a new domain. I'm gonna leave F-R as it is. Just a purely anime domain and the other will be the personal sites with movie reviews and what not. There are many other places with that stuff but this one will be Me... Writing, rambling, things I hold back sometimes because I have such insecurities about them. Although, I am not an insecure person I am somewhat private about things. I don't really know. Sometimes I hate myself for it. Sometimes I hate myself for not being more forward. It really sucks. Maybe it was my upbringing. I'm from a small town. Small town people aren't usually outspoken and robust. They're more laid back and go with the flow. That is me. I don't really care anymore. But lately this other part of me has been taking over. Sometimes I really just don't care anymore. My friend Andrea probably tainted me with her "Go Get 'Em" attitude. She's very blunt and tough. Jennifer's like that too except she's more loud. Jennifer's just loud plain and simple. I wish I can be like that sometimes. Whenever people hear a rude remark from me, they're like "I can't believe you said that" but I really just don't care. Customers are just awful. AWFUL. I'm pretty sure ALL of them know what it's like behind a counter, yet here they are being just plain unbelievable. To repeat myself, I just don't care.

My PR class seems very uncomfortable but I need to ask my professor if he knows any companies that are looking for interns. I wished I lived in Cali. There are so many advertising/PR companies that I would like to work for. Chicago too. I would love it if I were in Chicago right now. I would love anything that is not near Las Vegas. I had so much fun when I was in AZ. I met friends there that were real and were happy. They sang outloud to the music they were listening to in their cars, they were always there to talk to, they were "free" and didn't care what others thought of them. I like that in people. But here, people always watch what they say and what they do and what they wear. I loathe people like that because those people are not real. They don't want to be different. But what good is it when you are like everyone else? A long time ago, I wanted to be like all of them because I hated being different but now I want to be. Did that make sense at all? Why do people die their hair when it's meant to be black or when it's meant to be brown? Why do people get colored contacts when your eyes are meant to be that color God or your genetics (whatever your belief is) intended for you. Why do people go to lengths to not be them? I hate that. I think of that as materialism and people here are all like that. My friend used to be different. She had a personality then. And then she became materialistic and all she cared about was how to look good and she just didn't seem real anymore. I lost contact with her when she got fired for being late all the time but whenever I would see her, it's not the same anymore. I don't get it. Why do material things always change people? I hope that will never happen to me ever.